Monthly Archives: March 2015

You Can Watch This Video of the Latest ISIS Beheading Right After This Dentyne Ice Chewing Gum Commercial You Can’t Skip

“The following

is a message of blood

to your kafir government…”

But first.

You can’t seriously believe

that you will be able to lease

that car you can’t possibly afford

if you won’t adhere to the basic tenets

of our cult of beauty,

do you?

<<Practice safe breath>>

See that chick giving you that sultry side-long glance

from the passenger seat?

Her dusky eyes and low-cut black dress?

You know you didn’t get her with that mouth

you have forgotten to brush or at least rinse in two days

because you have been living at the office

trying to come up with a marketing pitch for that project

so your boss won’t fire your sorry ass

and leave you with an insurmountable

debt for this fully-loaded luxury car.

Get your shit together.

Pop that minty fresh chewing gum.

<<Practice safe breath>>

Alright then.

“The following

is a message of blood

to your kafir government…”

Advertisements